The Fig Tree

Have you ever wondered or prayed alone in secret asking God, “Why do you always do for them, but not for me?” Most of my walk with God I have felt this way. Even when God moves in my life.

I have always felt like an outsider or an outcast. When I was in school, in my family and in my church life. I never have “fit in” and I was a late bloomer.

When God chose me to become a Pastor’s wife, I couldn’t understand. Why me, God. I am an introvert, I don’t fit the mold, I don’t like public speaking or to be the center of attention.

Perhaps, this is why I always have felt like that with God. Maybe God answers their prayers and not mine because I am the most unlikely, the outcast and outsider.

Today, God reminded me that he always picks the most unlikely, unqualified, outcast and outsider. He hasn’t overlooked me. He hasn’t turned his ear from my prayers. He hasn’t hid his face from me. Like Nathaniel, God see’s you where you are. Under the fig tree in your lowest moment. John 1:48 God spoke to Nathaniel that he saw him. Only the Lord could have known that about Nathaniel. In those defining moments God speaks volumes. When he confirms, I see you, I hear you and I know you.

Messy Redemption

I won’t use a filter or sugar coat my story of redemption. I won’t kneel to wokeism or it’s narrative.

My story of redemption is messy. I came from a life of broken relationships, rejection, isolation, feeling invisible, unseen, unheard, angry and anxious. These were all symptoms of the sin and brokeness inside me. I would party like a rockstar. I lived in the fast lane and on the wild side. My identity was lost in a 9 year lesbian relationship. I was angry with men and tried to fill myself with women. Only to find myself so far gone and doing things I never in my life thought I would ever do. Beyond that lifestyle it didn’t stop there. Then I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know who I was and hated who I had become. I couldn’t stand to be in my own skin anymore. I hurt myself and so many people around me. I rejected the love of God and walked away from him for 12 years.

Soon after, I went for a long walk with my dog on a desert road in Phoenix, Arizona. I started talking to Jesus and asked him to come and live inside me. I asked for him to allow me to see him, to hear him and to know him for who he really is. Not someone else’s perception…but my own experience and relationship. I needed him to make himself known to me. If I couldn’t have that…I didn’t want it. Because I hate religion. I wanted something more. To know Jesus and for him to see me fully and to be loved by him. I needed to know for myself that he wanted me.

If you are in a broken relationship, gay lifestyle, stuck in religion, lost, have no hope, consumed with addiction, feel like you don’t matter, feeling unseen and unheard, rejected or you are at the end of your rope. There is one that can take all of this away and bring healing, redemption, hope and freedom. His name is Jesus. He is a gentleman and will never force himself on anyone. It’s simply an invitation. Talk with him. If you don’t know how to do that PM me and I will talk with you, pray with you or just listen.

God see’s you right where you are. He only wants you to welcome him.

The Great Transition

Moving. Nobody likes it. It’s uncomfortable and it stretches us. Change is never easy but many times change is good for us.

Change requires an act of faith when you have the unknowns of the future. Job change, new community and people. The stress of packing and unpacking. Possibly construction of a new home or the inside. Tearing out the old and everything becoming new.

This resembles our faith journey. The change, the packing and unpacking of our life, stepping into a new horizon of challenges, new beginnings and the stretching of our faith and journey.

For myself, moving has been the way of life over the past 6 years. I have done so much of it, it has burned me out on the concept. I struggled with our most recent move before the destination was known. I made it loud and clear to God, I was NOT ok with it. I was ready to set roots. It was like a Jacob experience wrestling with God. I said, NO. I cried out and mourned. I made it clear to God that this is too much and very unfair.

Jeremiah 29:11 days, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “ God is stretching my faith and walk. He has plans to position me and use me. The Holy Spirit is pushing me out of the nest like a bird. Telling me, “Fly daughter, I have given you new wings to explore new dimensions and encounters with me. I have given you wings to fly into new lives to pour out and to help others to fly and unpack. We always have something to unpack in life. We never arrive and God doesn’t want our faith to become dormant or complacent.

Maybe this is you. Perhaps God is stretching you or moving you to new places. It isn’t always a physical move of a home. Maybe a job, new church, new challenges, new perspective or new relationships. It’s not a one size fit all. I challenge you to surrender to him. To submit to his plans, let go of your plans. As painful and uncomfortable as it may feel the outcome will far surpass the pain.

Romans 8:27 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

– Speaking for the Unspoken

The Great Comforter

Psalm 42:3
My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

Sometimes the most intimate and authentic prayers are not formed in words but in the language of tears. The Lord knows the prayers that come from a place of great depth from within us.

He is our lighthouse when we are lost at sea. Just like Peter when he began to sink in the water, the Lord rescued him from his storm and pulled him back into the safe place of his boat.

1 Samuel 1:10
Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the LORD.

The Lord heard Hannah in her anguish. He heard and understood her tears as her purest form of prayer in that very juncture.

There will be moments in this life when we feel alone, broken, lost and crushed. But the Lord promises us, he is near the broken-hearted. He will never leave you or abandon you.

Hold onto his promises. Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

-Speak for the Unspoken

Thrusting Forward

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19

When God speaks a promise, there will be no wavering in that promise. But the timing may not be what you have anticipated. You may see it right in front of you. God is ready to THRUST you forward into that promise. Even still…he speaks WAIT. This will not transpire in the ways my promises have in the past. Everything around you changes, but I do not.

A rocket being launched into space must have a countdown to be sure all circuits and machinery are firing correctly. Last minute adjustments need to be made. The earth must be positioned just like so. The astronauts are waiting and strapped in listening to the T minus countdown, to be launched and thrusted into that land of promise.

Do you understand? God has you strapped safely into his promise. He is counting down right now. That new thrust froward is a heartbeat away.

Hold on for the ride of your life.

-Speak for the Unspoken

In the Quiet

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. – 1 Kings 19:11-12

For me, the quiet is irresistible. It’s peaceful and restoring. In the still, I can see and I can hear. Everything becomes clear. In the solitude, I feel the closest to my Father.

Often, the wind and earthquakes of our lives can distract us from the path and direction that the Lord is declaring over us. Our attention is directed inwardly by the noise of our circumstances. We are focused on our emotions and locality.

1 Kings 19:11-12 makes clear to us that he is in the calm, still and quiet. His voice is gentle. The Lord is always speaking but we don’t always hear him.

Lord, we come and sit at your feet. Quiet us with your love and gentle voice. Redirect our attention from the wind and earthquakes of our lives to the quiet, still and peacefulness of your presence and voice. Whisper your sweet words of hope, truth and comfort that come only from you. You are the lifter of our heads. You give strength to the weary. Your yoke is easy and your burden is light. Cause us to run and not grow weary. To walk and not faint. You are our strong tower. We can run to you and are safe. Cover us with the feathers of your wings and give us rest.

-Speak for the Unspoken

Broken for You

I see the raw and unfiltered you. I know your heart naked and exposed. Yet, I don’t withdraw or withhold my love from you.

I don’t change my mind about you when you hit bottom. My love for you is in whole, not in pieces.

I saw you before you were formed in your mother’s womb. My heart was bursting with love and endless thoughts of you. Just as it still does today and always will.

My love never changes and is not dependent on your performance.

I engraved you on the palm of my hands. You are always before me and on my mind. I’m captivated by you. My love is as strong as death. Intense and without measure.

You are invaluable to me. To the proportion, I could not live without you. To be void of you is unsatisfactory to me. My love for you moved me to pay the ultimate price for you.

Allow me to cover you with my feathers and to lavish you in my wings. Come fly with me. I will show you great and mighty things you do not know.

I will surely satisfy your lack with my salvation. I will invite you to lie down in green and plush pastures of plenty. I will calm you beside still waters.

My body was broke for you. My blood poured out so that you could be mine.

Take my hand, I will give you my heart.

Rising and Shining,

Speak for the Unspoken

Tasting Resurrection

Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.

Psalm 34:8 (MSG)

His goodness is beyond our ability to comprehend, but not our ability to experience.

Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Romans 10:17 (NKJV)

Some Christians do not understand what faith means, because the gospel is being drowned out or watered down by culture.

Salvation is experience. It’s knowing who he is for ourselves. It’s having an intimacy with God that is only personal between you and him.

For decades, my understanding of who God is was through others. What they said and what the did. My perception of him was twisted and warped. I saw so much hypocrisy and lack of relationship, that it propelled me to run as far away from him as I could. I felt hurt by God and believed he was not loving nor kind.

I was a runner in life and a runner spiritually. Wanting nothing to do with God nor church.

But suddenly. Yes, suddenly.

I had come to the end of myself. The end of brokenness. The hole I had dug was so deep, you could have buried me there. I was broken and bloody with so much sin that I couldn’t even stand to be in my own skin.

How could God ever forgive me? How could I forgive myself? I was covered in the stink of my sin. Dirty. A filthy rag, is the way I perceived myself. I could never be loved. I could never love myself, i could never love others.

In a now suddenly moment, I spoke to the Lord. I invited him into my life, my mess and my brokenness. This time, I thought he would be the one to run as far away from me as he could.

My experience was completely the opposite. He knelt down in all of my mess. He knelt down and looked me directly in the eyes. With love and forgiveness that made me tremble with awe. He came to me. He loved me with a tender loving kindness that I never knew existed. In that instant, I tasted. I tasted his love, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, compassion and transparency. He knew me fully and didn’t want to leave.

Who does that? Who loves like that? Who cares like that?

Only One. Only Jesus.

For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to taste and experience for MYSELF. I decided and made a proclamation that day. I would only know him for myself. I would only experience him for myself. I would never base my perception of him from others. But only, from my palate. I tasted of the Lord. I savored him. I knew him.

Father, I pray for that one reader. I pray for that one. That one who is at their wits end. The one who can’t stand to live in their own skin right now. Lost. Broken. Messy. Hopeless. Kneel down with that one. Cup their face and gaze into their eyes. Let them taste you in a suddenly moment. Let them know you fully and intimately through personal and authentic experience. Let them see you running towards them. Bring healing, understanding, revelation, freedom, hope, love, compassion, forgiveness, resurrection, new life, new skin and new beginnings. Let them taste you and know for themselves your goodness and mercy.

Rising and Shining,

Speak for the Unspoken

Waiting is my Portion

The new journey. The new transition. Positioned and birthed into God’s plan. Remarkable. Beautiful. Aw-stricken by the Lord’s goodness.

Waiting, I’m familiar with. I have spend seasons in this place. Now it’s my most favorite place. Sounds crazy, right? It’s entirely the opposite. In this place of waiting, I have found a place of peace in being still and knowing he is God. There is no place equal to it.

He has our full attention. No distractions. Knowing him fully is knowing his very nature. His nature is nurturing, gentle, understanding, kind and patient.

In the place of waiting, he will lead. Leading us into green pastures. Lying us beside still waters. Restoring our soul. Leading us into his righteousness. Redirecting us to a place of favor, even at the table of our enemies. Leading us to a country, foreign and unfamiliar. He anoints our head with oil. Causing our cup to spill over. Allowing the overflow to spill into the lives of others in the waiting.

Waiting is not our pain but portion of promise and peace. The intimacy is breathtaking and time-honored. We get to wait.

In the waiting, he positions us once again to the blessing that is out of our reach and ability. He makes beauty for ashes and gifts us with promise for obscurity.

The Lord never stops. He never leaves us. He always goes before us and prepares a place for us. Just as he did in heaven, he does here on earth. It’s a kingdom thing.

Allow the waiting to gravitate you closer to him. Let the time be his. Intertwine yourself in the Prince of Peace.

Be still and wait. He is always moving and always speaking.

Rising and shining,

Speak for the Unspoken

Come out of Hiding

In the crowd that day there was a woman who for twelve years had been afflicted with hemorrhages. She had spent every penny she had on doctors but not one had been able to help her. She slipped in from behind and touched the edge of Jesus’ robe. At that very moment her hemorrhaging stopped. Jesus said, “Who touched me?”

When no one stepped forward, Peter said, “But Master, we’ve got crowds of people on our hands. Dozens have touched you.” Jesus insisted, “Someone touched me. I felt power discharging from me.”

When the woman realized that she couldn’t remain hidden, she knelt trembling before him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at that same moment she was healed. Jesus said, “Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!” Luke 8:43-48 (MSG)

This woman was declared unclean and was shunned as an outsider. Not only was she labeled unclean but everything she touched was also declared unclean.

There is an interconnection with this woman’s 12 year bleeding and the emotionally and spiritually broken. Many of us have been bleeding on the inside for years or perhaps a lifetime.

Countless souls are like broken like shards of glass. Exposed and sharp. Bleeding from the innermost places of who we are. Abandoned by your spouse, loss of a loved one, verbal or physical abuse, shame from past sexual relationships, broken identity, troubled marriages or lack of intimacy, addiction and rejection. The list is endless.

She had hit rock bottom and had exhausted every resource of possible healing.

Guided by the Holy Spirit, her actions spoke in an authentic voice. She was moved towards the only one strong enough to heal her. Her body was her voice of prayer. No need for words anymore. Her faith became action and she touched him.

This paints a picture for us that words cannot articulate. Sometimes we are so hurt and broken that we have exhausted every word. With the very last drop of strength, we reach for the only one that entirely understands us. Offering unlimited healing without judgment.

In that very juncture, she was made whole.

Leading up to the most amazing point in her story. She could not remain hidden. Her story was uncovered as a light beaming with testimony.

This is my story. He has called me out of hiding. Calling me to speak for the unspoken. To share my story of redemption. No longer enslaved by shame and guilt. Free and forgiven. Restoration of all that was lost.

My life in a glimpse was one of failed relationships. Abandoned by men. Depleted of innocence. No sense of belonging. My trust was pivoted away from men. Feeling dirty and used.

Out of fear, I ran to women. In hopes, for a vast void to be filled. Grasping for physical affection and comfort. I was starving for love and belonging.

My becoming was only left with utter emptiness. I felt further distant from the security of love and belonging.

The shame was crippling. I was drowning in the blood of my sin. I couldn’t breathe. Gasping for one more breath, I cried out to the very one that I rejected. The one whose heart I broke. Feeling like the parodical son, in my asking for him to come live in my heart again.

This is my coming out of hiding. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. This redemption is too real for me to hide. This Hope is too good not to share.

My beauty from ashes, radiates restored purity and innocence. Forgiveness of my darkest of sins. Freedom from the ugly of my shame and guilt. Healing from the consequences of my sin.

Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story– those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
Psalm 107:2

Rising and shining,

Speak for the Unspoken