Come out of Hiding

In the crowd that day there was a woman who for twelve years had been afflicted with hemorrhages. She had spent every penny she had on doctors but not one had been able to help her. She slipped in from behind and touched the edge of Jesus’ robe. At that very moment her hemorrhaging stopped. Jesus said, “Who touched me?”

When no one stepped forward, Peter said, “But Master, we’ve got crowds of people on our hands. Dozens have touched you.” Jesus insisted, “Someone touched me. I felt power discharging from me.”

When the woman realized that she couldn’t remain hidden, she knelt trembling before him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at that same moment she was healed. Jesus said, “Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!” Luke 8:43-48 (MSG)

This woman was declared unclean and was shunned as an outsider. Not only was she labeled unclean but everything she touched was also declared unclean.

There is an interconnection with this woman’s 12 year bleeding and the emotionally and spiritually broken. Many of us have been bleeding on the inside for years or perhaps a lifetime.

Countless souls are like broken like shards of glass. Exposed and sharp. Bleeding from the innermost places of who we are. Abandoned by your spouse, loss of a loved one, verbal or physical abuse, shame from past sexual relationships, broken identity, troubled marriages or lack of intimacy, addiction and rejection. The list is endless.

She had hit rock bottom and had exhausted every resource of possible healing.

Guided by the Holy Spirit, her actions spoke in an authentic voice. She was moved towards the only one strong enough to heal her. Her body was her voice of prayer. No need for words anymore. Her faith became action and she touched him.

This paints a picture for us that words cannot articulate. Sometimes we are so hurt and broken that we have exhausted every word. With the very last drop of strength, we reach for the only one that entirely understands us. Offering unlimited healing without judgment.

In that very juncture, she was made whole.

Leading up to the most amazing point in her story. She could not remain hidden. Her story was uncovered as a light beaming with testimony.

This is my story. He has called me out of hiding. Calling me to speak for the unspoken. To share my story of redemption. No longer enslaved by shame and guilt. Free and forgiven. Restoration of all that was lost.

My life in a glimpse was one of failed relationships. Abandoned by men. Depleted of innocence. No sense of belonging. My trust was pivoted away from men. Feeling dirty and used.

Out of fear, I ran to women. In hopes, for a vast void to be filled. Grasping for physical affection and comfort. I was starving for love and belonging.

My becoming was only left with utter emptiness. I felt further distant from the security of love and belonging.

The shame was crippling. I was drowning in the blood of my sin. I couldn’t breathe. Gasping for one more breath, I cried out to the very one that I rejected. The one whose heart I broke. Feeling like the parodical son, in my asking for him to come live in my heart again.

This is my coming out of hiding. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. This redemption is too real for me to hide. This Hope is too good not to share.

My beauty from ashes, radiates restored purity and innocence. Forgiveness of my darkest of sins. Freedom from the ugly of my shame and guilt. Healing from the consequences of my sin.

Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story– those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
Psalm 107:2

Rising and shining,

Speak for the Unspoken

 

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You Won My Heart

The day we met. I felt the Lord so near. He rushed in with the breath of his peace. Asking me to follow his lead and Lordship. In these exact words, I said yes. “I say yes to you, Lord. I say yes to you as Lord of my heart and life. You are my King. I will follow.”

Tears dripping down my face the night before. I could hear him so clear. As never before. His presence was felt so close, as he whispered so softly, trust me.

All of these moments collided when I saw you. You were immediately there, without delay. The date still had yet to begin and you were there. With pursuit beaming in your eyes and flowers in your hand.

It was easy. Effortless. The point of time, we began to converse about the Holy Spirit, it happened. I knew then in that juncture, there is substance together with us. It was then, I told the Lord shall we keep going? Fully knowing he was nudging me onward.

Never have I been pursued and respected this way. I never knew what it felt like to be loved by a man that loves Jesus. To have a man intentionally pursuing my heart and hand with such grace. Never forceful or selfish. Instead, I was lavished with honor and purity. Your entire objective was to honor the Lord and God’s daughter.

It was then, I knew. It was you. He said, with a such joy in his tone. Daughter, he’s here. I’m giving him your hand. This is my promise.

Once again, I stood still. Stunned and amazed. Lord, you heard me and you captured my tears and prayers! You held onto them. You kept them.

Kevin, I am your rib. I promise to protect your heart. To give you a lifetime of love and comfort. To journey beside you as your helper. To kneel beside you in prayer. To hold your hand through the good and the bad. To cheer for you and support you in all seasons. To nurture you and care for you all the days of our lives. To laugh with you and make a lifetime of memories.

I am becoming yours and you are becoming mine.

Father, as we journey into commitment and oneness, may we always stay as near to you as you are to us. Forever be our foundation and focal point. Teach us how to love each other as you have loved us, as each day goes by. Let our love always be patient and kind. Never dishonoring or self seeking. Let us never keep a record of wrong but instead, extend grace. Let our love always be rich with protection, trust and hope.

Infuse us with the fruits of your spirit each morning. Envelope us each evening with the peace and rest of who you are in us and for us.

When blessings come, let us praise you with a grateful heart. When challenges come, let us immediately come to you.

Let there never be a lack of peace in our home. May it be rich like new wine in plenty. Make our home one of refuge, stability and unity.

Bring a fullness of unbreakable unity. Make us a cord of three that cannot be easily broken. Let us be empowered with the spirit of agreement in our home.

Make us one as we are one with you.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Rising and shining,

Speak for the Unspoken

My Year of Rising 2019

The Lord always gives me a vision pertaining to the new year with new beginnings. Bursting with excitement I ask Him each year around the holidays.

2018, was my year of the green light. That had so many meanings but I learned most from 2018, I was finally giving the Lord my green light. The Lord never stops. It’s not in his nature. Because of free will, he will stop under the condition, we surrender that access to only him. He a gentleman and never forces himself on us.

2019, he has named it the year of my rising. I asked what does that mean Lord? I’m totally comfortable and good just hanging out in the hidden places. His response was, “My light is never meant to be hidden but to beam with radiance in the darkness.” Darkness cannot shadow the light. The light illuminates everything.

Then he continued. He said, “Daughter, you are not made to hide in the comforts of the unseen. I set you apart, not aside. You are made to fly. To fly like an eagle. I’m giving you the wind. Fly. I’m giving you an arial view. Fly. You will run and not grow weary. You will walk and not faint. Ground warfare is no longer for you. I’m causing you to rise like the eagle and I’m giving you the wind to fly high and go places you never knew existed.

As you rise you will catch my wind and know me in deeper dimensions, our proximity will be touchable. I’m never far away. Only close to my daughter.

As you begin to fly, flap those healed wings I have given you. As you flap your wings they will become stronger and more grave cloths will begin to fall off. This will allow you to go higher and higher. I’m always beside you. I won’t trail behind but I will abide by your side and show you where to go and what to say.”

Rising to His call in 2019,

Speak for the Unspoken

I Will Follow

Following the Lord is becoming his penmanship. It must be an intentional process of allowing him to lead.

Praying the bold prayer of asking the Lord to lead takes courage because it requires receiving his grace to follow. Otherwise, why are we even speaking this prayer?

It becomes a proclamation. Lord, lead me where my feet could never wonder. Spirit, lead me where my faith is without borders.

My journey of redemption entails chapters of being lost and broken in the lifestyle of homosexuality. I was broken by past relationships. I didn’t know who I was. Paralyzed in fear of being hurt further. I was entangled in a web of confusion and lack of identity.

I followed my desire of belonging not my identity in Christ. I followed a twisted understanding of belonging through sexual intimacy with the same sex. I felt safe for a moment. But felt an eternity of separation of genuine love.

The end result of my running produced isolation and sexual addiction that left me empty and shattered in every form.

The Lord is patient and kind. Regardless of the form of sin, it all looks the same at the foot of the cross.

Today, I am free and redeemed. My purity is restored and the Lord has given me a secure place of belonging. The love I now know and experience daily is not linked to sex.

I’m no longer trapped in the lie that I can only be loved as an object of feeding the appetite of self gratification.

I am following the path of purity and grace. Not because I am better than anyone else. Instead, it’s because I have an identity and value. My value is directly supplied through my intimacy with the Lord.

The Lord is leading. I am following. I’m following his lead to allow my story and experience to spill out on others. That they may know for themselves that same freedom and redemption unique to their life.

We all have a story of following something. But it is our choice of who or what to follow.

Lord, as I begin the journey of unveiling untold chapters of my story, bring truth and healing. Bring light where darkness overshadows. Let grace rush in and save broken and shattered hearts and lives. Empower my story for your names sake. Enrich every detail of my story to bring hope and life, where it is nonexistent.

Keeping the green light on in 2018; Rising into an aerial view in 2019,

Speak for the Unspoken

The Lord Gives

This Thanksgiving season, I am going to attempt to articulate my gratitude through a blog entry. Something I have never done, but plan to do each year.

This year I have experienced my prayers being materialized, far beyond what I could ever have imagined. This is my “Oceans” prayer. This song is very personal and intimate between the Lord and I.

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For many years, I asked the Lord to give me a family and a place of belonging. A place to call home and hang my heart. The cry of my spirit was for the Lord to take me places my feet would never wonder.

41 years, never married. No children. No siblings. Loneliness, I was highly acquainted with. I recall many times, praying like Hannah. (1 Samuel 9-16). Prayers that cannot be articulated in words. Only tears. Hannah longed for a son. I longed for a husband and family.

Not just any family. My heart craved a kingdom relationship. A kingdom marriage. A kingdom life. I came to a place where I could say, I wanted the Lord’s plans not my own.

The Lord did exactly that. To my astonishment he caused paths to cross and I met the man and his son I have waited a lifetime for.

One thing I have learned about the Lord, he never stops. He is always working in the unseen.

A immediate family wasn’t only what I prayed for. I prayed for a spiritual mother and father, who is like my family. One to share with and learn from.

Through my relationship I met a family who has opened their life and home to me. Welcoming me as one of their own. Larry and Cindy are one of the most generous, gracious and kindness folks I have ever known. My heart spills over with gratitude for them.

Tonight, I am just sitting back and taking it all in. The favor God has poured out on me is breathtaking. I did nothing to deserve all of this. It’s simply a gift.

A gift of belonging. A gift of family. A gift of community.

Thank you Father for being so good to me. Thank you for Larry and Cindy. Thank you for your gift of family. May every ounce of love and kindness they have shown me be multiplied back to the them many times over. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you. (Luke 6:38).

Keeping the green light on,

Speak for the Unspoken

Redeemed and Rested

Matthew 28:11 MSG. Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

The unforced rhythms of grace. I never knew what that even meant. I never even knew what that implied.

Darkness has a way about it. Walking and never knowing the way. Running and never knowing company in its truest form.

I think the best way to describe being lost, it appears as a large black hole. A region of space having a gravitational pull, that no matter can escape. It’s force, traps as a vacuum.

But then a met a man. A man who is defined by truth and love in it’s purest form. In that moment, my darkness was vaporized in his light. His light pursued in such a captivating form. I couldn’t escape the beaming. No longer able to resist his advances towards me.

Jesus waited on me for 12 years. Patiently waited. If anyone has sinned, it’s me. If anyone has broken the heart of God, it’s me. If anyone had rejected God, it’s me. I forced myself from him. Yet he stayed. Waiting.

Finally, I came to a crossroad. My demise had found me. Ashes and brokenness. My life came crashing down. I surrendered and waved my white flag.

To my surprise, he had never left. He was right there. Standing next to me.

Although, I had rejected him, he took me in. Gently, patiently and carefully. Loving me and washing me from the ugly of my brokenness. Grace is messy and unafraid.

I can speak today of the grace and transformation of Christ. I am a pillar of the scripture, 2 Corinthians 5:17. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

Once was tired. Now I am fully at rest.

My story of redemption. My story, redeemed.

Keeping the green light on,

Speak for the Unspoken

Enlarging Trust

You are the oil to my pen and the author of words written in my heart. Prayers spilling from the depths of transparency. You make me confident. You sustain me, firm in the place of enlarged trust. I cannot be moved from confidence.

I know who you are for me and in me. I abide in the secret place of intimacy.

You have lifted my head so I can see. Everything is so much clearer here. I have a new lens prescribed in the eyes of my soul.

You veil me in with gentle and patient kindness. You remain unchanged in the great transition and rising. The person of Peace keeps me still and close.

You hold me composed in the unknown. I am not afraid. I know in whom I have believed. I am upheld in the shadow of the Almighty. The Lord fights for me.

Fully emerged in favor. Favor pursues me from all directions and unlikely places. I have all that I need.

Your light beams like glitter in the territory you set before me. I always shine with you. My countenance will glow even in a blackout. Darkness is nonexistent to you.

I am fully hemmed in on all sides with provision and protection. I lack nothing. I am content in all things. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I belong to you. My maker and husband.

I am overcome by your reckless love. Nothing can measure up to being perfectly known by you. You enchant my soul. Your uncommon love is endearing. Absolutely breathtaking.

You go before me a prepare a place for me. You ordain my footsteps and establish the work of your hands. You write my story as a canvas of art. You materialize and enlarge my territory.

You seal me in your plans. You never stop or withhold. It is not in your nature to retract the gift of your grace and provision. You do not recant your promise or change your mind.

The ink of my story is still wet and unfinished. Stories are unceasingly being written. Backstage in the unseen, you are orchestrating a masterpiece. Made to measure, uniquely to me, like a Master Potter.

You speak and I live. Trust has enlarged me. Love has made all things new. The best wine of the promised latter, has begun to pour.

Keeping the green light on,

Speak for the Unspoken